Current mood:	full
Current music:	Lover, You Should've Come Over - Jeff Buckley

Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. of the adze.
Today I had another sudden, eerie, and complete sense of being outside myself, outside my window of existence. A premonition if you will. A clear and absolute awareness of my own death, the experience of life slipping away, of leaving the world. A flush of terror, refusal, and a desire not to go out like a gibbering baby.

More real to me than a memory, more real than speaking aloud my own name. A heightening of the senses, like being plunged into ice water. Above all that sensation of ABSOLUTENESS, of concrete experience and utter comprehension. Like I was really dying, had really died.

It came and went in a second. I was sitting on the bus. I unthinkingly clasped my arm in one hand, feeling the skin and hair. The feeling faded, and in rushed the sense that, "I'm not dead yet. There are people all around me. I can do anything I want."

---

The first box of books arrived today. Faulkner is not so pompous and dry as I feared. In fact he is richly textured. The first pages grab me with their movement, humor, cadence. And a casket. Always a good start.

Hat-tip to anyone who can make the word "adze" feel essential, like the page would have a abscess without it.

I bought $400 worth of books. Grossly excessive - I live two blocks from a LIBRARY. At least they won't grow useless, like the gadgets and clothing. I can wait years to read them all.

I'm wearing my Poor Impulse Control t-shirt today.