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Tanya Donelly - Moonbeam Monkey |
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Uh-oh.
Everything was fine this morning; I'd gotten plenty of sleep and took a long hot shower. I had just finished tying my shoes and was reaching for the door when I suddenly felt a cramp in my gut and breezy waves of nausea. I stood keys in hand, knowing that if I waited five more minutes I'd miss the bus. Walk it off? Maybe just need to eat something?
I said, "Fuck" and went into standard defensive posture: sitting on the toilet, head in my hands, every slow breath of humid post-shower air bringing me closer to throwing up.
Then I passed out.
Awareness came back in degrees. The void. A tiny purple-green galaxy swirling in empty space. Miniature lightning flickers within as it rotates. Static is the sound of lightning. First faint crackling thoughts like someone tuning a radio station. The noise begins to separate: recognizable sounds against static and rushing wind. The dream dissolves. Waking up in the passenger seat of a car, black night, roar of the freeway, disorientation. The radio rises over the roar, broken bits of music and words, the radio station is me. Then comes...yes...self...no not a radio station, me. Was dreaming. Thoughts. Rushing wind. Black. Me. Sleeping in a car? Then a first hint of physicality - pain in my neck and face. Smothering. Dark upside-down suffocation like face bobbing in an apple barrel. Choking, but a little air. Panic - wake up, wake up! Something's wrong. Strangled in the sheets again? Then a little sense of body. Arms pinned. Cold hard things. Neck hurts. Where is up? I standing? Face on wall? Where's body? Body gone. Something bad. This my head? Falling asleep again. Don't sleep! Sleep.... Body whirls down the drain and only static again. Wake up! Something wrong! Open eyes. How eyes? Can't remember. Can't remember. Stop smothering. Push away from the wall. Which way to push? Which is up? Where is head? Arms pinned. Push. Breathing. Air not right. Face hurts. Wall? No, tub. Your head is in the bathtub. Open eyes. Oh. Oh. Fell. Not tub. Floor tiles. What's wrong with the air? Crawl up. Kneeling. OK. Passed out. Fell. OK. Stay awake. Neck hurts. What am I doing way over here? Get up. OK.
Shuffle to bedroom. Can't walk. Shuffle shuffle shuffle. Shoes off! Where is all that noise coming from? Roaring in my ears. Clothes off. Something still wrong. God my face hurts. Water. Drink water. Don't go to sleep. OK.
Walked to the fridge in underwear and t-shirt, legs trembling, poured myself a glass of water. Almost threw up. No more roaring in the ears, confusion gone, but shakey and still nauseous. Felt like I'd been slapped hard in the face. Cheek raw and stinging. Quickly emailed in sick to work and then climbed into bed, thinking, "This must be what it's like to get carbon monoxide poisoning."
Had somehow fallen forward, twisted around, and slid sideways several feet. My face was planted in the opposite corner of the bathroom, wedged up against the bathtub, ass sticking up in the air. VERY undignified position to have been discovered in.
I was turned 90 degrees from where I had been sitting, with my arms pinned underneath me, which is why I was so extremely confused while waking up. Total loss of the proprioceptive sense; couldn't understand where my body parts were or remember how to move them. It took an eternity to puzzle out what position my body was in and another eternity before I could lift my face from the tile and breath normally. Had I remembered how to open my eyes or roll over it might have felt less like dying. My greatest fear has always been of smothering upside down in the dark: death by drowning, say. It was a recurring nightmare when I was young.
Anyway, now it's five hours later and I've had a little nap. Not sure what happened there. I suppose I started gulping down air when I thought I was gonna throw up, and combined with all the steam from my shower I must've gotten dizzy.
Actually, come to think of it, I'd had a small nosebleed a few minutes before fainting. Had totally forgotten about that. Maybe my body lowered its blood pressure as a result.
In other news...this "How to be Emo" movie is hilarious. Long but well-done. Watch the main character's hair length change four times.
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